I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
You Might Also Like
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.