[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
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me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
girls literally only want one thing..
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board