[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
You Might Also Like
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.