Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
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When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
*feels the wind in my toe hair
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
umm…
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography