FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
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Why is this me 😫
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
what’s more important?
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.