Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
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“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Sharon, call the vet
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.