I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
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The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker