look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
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[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
i want the dreams to chase me for once
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Happy thanksgiving!
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.