Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
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me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
😩😩😩
vegan witches, happy halloween!
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Natty or not?
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.