He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
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A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
A French press is when you hug naked
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth