My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
You Might Also Like
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
everyone’s a critic
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
6. me as a lawyer
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex