Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
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Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??