stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
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5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Meanwhile in Canada…
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo