This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
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She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
My last name is Zilla.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?