What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
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wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?