Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
You Might Also Like
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.