Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
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girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.