My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
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When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Thank you corporation very cool
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.