Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
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You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
“What movie?” 🤔
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes