Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
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I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
lol
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion