WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
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As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.