“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
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*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*