If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
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I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
#titanic
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…