I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
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Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.