I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
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I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Jesus Christ lmao
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.