Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
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I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
scared to check what name she chose
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes