when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
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Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”