Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
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Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭