You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
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Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Aaaa…CHOO!
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Unimpressed
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.