A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
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Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Current mood: Potato
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.