I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
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(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.