Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
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dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I can’t deal with men any longer
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.