My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
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THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
you have three unread messages
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.