I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
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Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Breakfast for Stoners:
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.