My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
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and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
twitter is a journey
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend