[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
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the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.