[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
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Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.