Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
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Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
🌱🌱🌱
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.