Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
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Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I’m putting together a team
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
these two trucks have the same bed length
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Phonetics
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it