[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
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Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!