Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
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Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Oh thanks BBC.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Matt Goss
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
My love language is deader than Latin
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Good morning, Twitter x
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean