I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
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brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
My boss called in sick of me
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Why does laundry happen to good people?
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?