In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
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Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”