Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
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Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
yeet
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Love it! 👍😂
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying