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Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Dead sexy!!
There’s only one good girl here!
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”