My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
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*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”