They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
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Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there