CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
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Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING