“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
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ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
New favorite tiktok
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
is this meant to deter me
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out