*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
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My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I’d love this…lol
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.